Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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