If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
