woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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