we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
