There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
