She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
