One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize