You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
