Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
it hurts more in the daytime
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize