I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
this is an emotional support booty call
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
