Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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