I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
