just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
