I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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