I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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