Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
