i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I am available for nakedness
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
