ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I will be naked everywhere
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
