Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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