My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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