Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
