remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
