I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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