A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
