I bet he comes in French.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
