Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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