There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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