This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
