Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
