Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
