Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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