I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Drunk is not a location!
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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