i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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