you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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