In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
