just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
