So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize