So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
