Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
