I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
