Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
