I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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