She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
