I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
