My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
