What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
