what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
