matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
