DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
