My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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