Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
