Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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