I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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