Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I lost the right to judge tonight
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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