Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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