I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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