This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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