So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
