Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
