Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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