You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
